It feels like I was just 22 three months ago, but somehow I’m casually turning 27 next year in April. It’s giving very much panic at the disco.
It’s not that I fear growing old. It’s the creeping fear that I might not accomplish everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing. You know, the kind of fear that whispers, “Sis, you’re running out of time,” even though deep down, I know that’s absurd.
Because honestly, just living life like this—surviving, thriving, and staying somewhat sane—is an accomplishment. But hey, I’m only human, so I tend to overlook that a lot.
The reason I find that this series is such a healing and still pivotal moment in my life is that I guess for the first time (in my life) ever, I’ve realized that the roles I’ve played—those “supporting actress” roles I’ve placed myself in—were never asked of me. I understand now that the roles in my life that I put myself in were just a form of people pleasing.
Nobody told me to burn myself out for other people.
Nobody demanded I play hero, sidekick, and cheerleader all at once.
Nobody asked me to be all that, I just became who I needed to other people, burnt myself for others in order to feel alive. It wasn't really an act of kindness, because I wasn't really kind to myself I wasn’t being kind to myself, and honestly, how can you pour into others when your own cup is bone dry?
I think the hardest part about growing older has to be healing, and it goes to say the hardest part about healing is realizing that the hurt you held on to for so long doesn't exist in the perpetrator's mind. It's not even a fading memory. It is long gone.
So while I was falling apart, in desperate need to feel whole again, the graciously continued to live, while I withered away and denied myself of any sort of joy. We punish ourselves for breaking, but we don't congratulate ourselves enough for taking that step-yes even though that's the step that led to our presumed downfall. Then you realize that some of your hurt was your own fault, for staying in a dark place for too long.
Do you know how ridiculous it feels to realize that? To finally grasp that some of my hurt was my own fault—not for feeling it, but for staying in it longer than I needed to.
And then we do this thing. We punish ourselves even more for not letting go sooner. We double down on the self-blame because, of course, it’s all our fault, right?
My oh my, the weight of a healing heart is definitely heavier than a broken one.
I am almost thirty and it dawned on me yesterday, "the people who've hurt me don't even remember the situation they put me in yet I chose to stay in said situations, even after they were all gone."
I finally get why Jesus preached a lot about forgiveness and praying for the people who hurt you, it's not just forgiving grievances and being the bigger person—it’s about letting go of the sinking hole they left you in. It’s about replacing that pain with hope.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s about giving yourself permission to move forward-permission to move yourself from the ever sinking hole they left you in.
I am almost thirty, I own 2 businesses and have a couple of projects I am working on but even then I still feel like I have a long way to go. I might have a great perspective when it comes to marketing and strategizing,
I might have a great perspective when it comes to marketing and strategy. I might even be really good at my job (self-awareness is key). But I still haven’t unlocked that level of peace where I can stay calm in the face of situations that wreck me.
I am almost thirty and I feel like I don't want to get older without forgiving myself.
That’s my next chapter. Because as much as I love a good revenue goal or product launch, none of it matters if I can’t forgive myself.
Forgive myself for holding on too long.
Forgive myself for not being perfect.
Forgive myself for not having it all together.
Because here’s the truth: it would be a shame to thrive financially but struggle to smile at my own reflection in the mirror.
So here’s to being almost thirty.
To forgiving ourselves.
To growing, healing, and maybe even laughing at how absurdly human this all is.
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